My Life as a Dead Man: Regulus Black, PostMortem
by Sylvia1
Summary: Regulus Black discusses life as an inferi, living with his new deadbeat neighbors, and then gets a surprise visit from mister tall, dark, and reptilian himself. Guest-starring Voldemort, Bellatrix & Fenrir. Written for LJ Comm ZombieBang.
1. It Sucks to be Dead

Chapter 1: It Sucks to be Dead

Perhaps one of the strangest parts of being dead was the complete disregard for hygiene. Even if you were piled on top of other dead people, piled so high that the lake bed was no longer visible, you simply didn't care about it as much. It was no longer important. Why fret over every single fish that nibbled off a bite of flesh, or the fact that Mr. Dead Guy next to you no longer had a jaw? It just didn't really matter anymore after the first year or so.

Of course my kin and I are not really dead, not in the traditional sense at least. All of us are kind of trapped down here, like a prison block except without the ability to walk in circles or spit in the guards' faces. We can't even look at each other much, though occasionally someone's body will land face-down, and then it's "Sorry but it looks like I'll be staring at your rotting crotch for the next decade or so." It's not exactly the best way to make friends.

The funny part, the big kicker out of this entire scenario, is that unlike most of these dead slobs in here I know what we are. And I probably could have gotten rid of it if I had known, and had been prepared for the numbers my house elf and I would face. You see, I was a wizard in my day, and a pretty keen one at that. I dabbled in a bit of necromancy here and there, even though my friend Severus was always better at it. Still though, if I couldn't have ended it he might have been able to. After all, nobody wants to leave a bunch of inferi around. You never know when someone might accidentally find them and wake the dead.

Of course, when I was living that was a problem. Now that I'm on the other side, that's really the best part about this job. One time there were a bunch of little kids that broke in, thinking they were tough shit and all that. They made a tent over on the north end, where not even the ugliest cave fish dare to dwell. They would climb around the cave along the slippery rocks along the wall, slipping their way over like they thought this lake was their kingdom. They didn't know it had already been claimed. There were three in total, and I'm pretty sure all of us slobs down here were betting which one would make the dive. It must have been years since I'd made my final trip to the soup.

Then of course the cute one went in, the older kid that should've known better. He was hot, I'll admit it - hey, even if my sex organs _are_ gone, it doesn't mean I can't look. If this had been a bet, I probably would've lost a shit ton of cash on that guy. I always did have a problem resisting those dark, adorable ones. After he roused us, the other two of course didn't stand a chance. One of the other slobs, it might have been a woman once, went over and destroyed the makeshift tent the kids had put together. A shame really, I thought we really could have used a bit of decoration in this dreary pit, but apparently she wasn't a big fan of kid's decorations. Then of course the three kids bled out into the water, and we got a chance to stretch those limbs we call legs until they got up to join us. Man, those are great times. Not the fact that people have to die, but just being able to move again. You get to stare down the guy that's had his knee between your shoulder blades since the last death. And, more importantly, you get to move around and change your position. Me, I wasn't one to enjoy being so close to the bloody place I died, and decided to situate a bit farther back so I could at least see the top of the island a bit better.

Slowly we all collapsed into place, and if you didn't know the right place to be, it was too late to complain. I was unfortunate enough to have a leg land on my face. At least I could see, but it was like the guy thought I was talking too much and shut my trap for me. Not that he had much of a leg left to speak of.

So we sat there and waited around for the next snoop to enter, wondering in our dead minds what the next catch would be. This time we didn't have to wait nearly as long.


	2. Conductor of the Dead

Chapter 2: Conductor of the Dead

When the blood wards around the area went down, I knew something was up. I could feel it inside my soggy bones, and perhaps it was my imagination but the hair on Mr. Dead Guy's leg seemed to stand on end. On the other hand, maybe it was just a wave from some frightened fish. Either way, something new was coming - and not a bunch of stupid kids this time. These were professionals, or at least magic users which automatically made them more interesting than the kids. A green orb of light caused the water to turn the color of a swamp and we watched in curiosity as the boat was summoned across the lake. Then came the voices.

"You sure this is the right place?" the voice was garbled through the water, but I could still make out the coarseness in it. It was like the guy once had a sore throat when he was a kid and it never quite went away. "This don't look right."

"Don't you question him!" a woman this time, and the voice tugged at the tendrils of my mind like those of a marionette, nudging and tugging at that memory bank. It was bit deeper perhaps with age, but it was still a voice I knew, that same sharp sound that made you think of getting stabbed with a quill. "He knows what he's doing far better than you do!"

The hoarse man snarled - not exactly the response I had expected a wizard to make, but maybe Hogwarts was lacking in their classes these days. But the woman I knew, and the word was difficult for me to reach even though I was putting all my effort into it. Bella - Bellatrix - that was it! My cousin, the dark-haired witch with a bad penchant for guys with all the wrong signals. Even when she was first entering Hogwarts her reputation for a bad love life was renowned.

The boat was boarded and slowly the craft made its way across the water, making barely a ripple. The orb of green light followed them, and I watched as closely as I could. Hey, I couldn't exactly get front row seats even if I wanted them! But still I was in a better position in this new spot, even with ugly's obtrusive arm. I wanted to pull someone aside and tell them just how sweet this spot was compared to being crammed in the corner of the island like a crumpled soda can. Of course then I came back to my senses, realizing I was in fact still an undead thing with a bit of a speech problem.

First the big guy emerged, the boat lifting significantly from the loss of his weight. Something about the way he was dressed head to toe in furs that looked recently taken from their original owners told me this was the scratchy-voiced guy. Even if I could squint I was pretty sure I wouldn't mistake him for Sean Connery anytime soon. He wasn't exactly a looker.

Then a woman walked forward, swathed in thick black velvet like a sloppily wrapped rug. Her ebony hair stuck up in odd places, and the dress along with the hairdo reminded me of a broom left in the corner for too long… after being caught on fire. Bella had certainly changed since I'd last seen her - her eyes were wide and the creepiness factor had definitely increased. Where before that quality might have attracted those "bad guys" she so loved in school, now I was pretty sure those same blokes would run in fear if she came up to them. It wasn't like she was unattractive either. I know she's my cousin, and I've never been very attracted to the opposite sex, but even I can tell a good-looking witch from an ugly one. Bella was definitely not ugly, and yet... it almost seemed spoiled since she was still so disturbing.

The third figure then stepped off the boat, and his body was so light-weight that the vessel didn't seem to acknowledge he had even been there. He was also dressed in black (apparently it was the fashion style of choice), but the edges of the cloth were much more difficult to discern - definitely a nice bit of charm work there. Then there was his face. I was hoping it was just the light, but his skin literally looked _green_. He was bald too, and on top of all that, it looked like somebody had performed a horrible curse on his nose – cause he only had slits where it should have been. In short, the man was so ugly that he didn't even look human. I probably would have shuddered if I could. This was someone completely new to the playing field, and judging by the quality of magic he was sprinkling around like candy, he was one powerful Dark Wizard.

"Fenrir, guard the boat. You may have some issues in a few moments, but just stay watchful. And don't let them bite you." That voice. Even though I was dead and rotting at the bottom of this bloody lake for tens of years, I still recognized it like a train just barreled its way through my skull. That was bloody Lord Voldemort alright, the same guy that had cursed this cave and all the rest of us slobs. I wanted to run, swim, or do whatever I could to show him how pissed I was at him. But, again, I was dead. Silly me forgetting a very important fact so frequently, right? I swear my memory was better a few years back!

"Bella, you are to assist me with the task at hand. Did you bring the books I requested?"

"Yes, my Lord!" she looked so excited you'd think she was hanging out with her favorite pop singer. She pulled out a bag and Accioed a stack of six books that nearly hid her face they piles so high in front of her.

"Excellent. Put them aside." Voldemort cleared his throat, lifting his wand up in one hand like he was about to rouse the orchestra. But I was pretty sure this was going to be one dead concert.


	3. The One and Only Secret

Posting this a bit earlier than normal - I'm not sure if I'll be able to get to a computer tonight. Oh and reviews, comments, & random thoughts are always very welcome and appreciated! :D

Chapter 3: The One and Only Secret

I wasn't entirely sure what to expect. This was the Dark Lord after all, and even with his two flunkies, beast man and creepy cousin, I just didn't feel frightened of him. After all, what more can you do to a guy that's already dead? If anything I guess I felt invincible, even though technically I was his undead Swamp Thing. So when he started speaking strange words and moving his wand about in motions that reminded me of a bizarre Broadway musical, I honestly didn't think about what he was casting. Sure I knew it was probably necromancy of some kind, but I figured he was just renewing his inferi creations or making the cave creepier - you know, normal shit. What I _didn't_ expect was him suddenly roaring my name.

"REGULUS BLACK!" he screamed it so loud that Bella nearly ran into the pedestal in the middle of the island. "Come forth, youngest of Orion and Walburgia's brood."

I swear I felt like I had just been called to the front of class. What in the world did Lord Voldemort want with me? It's not like he could kill me for betraying him and stealing his horcrux and all that. He was just a few years late for that after all. Maybe he wasn't sure if I was here. I'd like to say that I stayed quiet and hid among my slob neighbors, but I didn't really have a choice in the matter. I couldn't move even if he looked me in the eye.

Then old Voldemort put his pale hand down into the water, and suddenly my limbs didn't feel so lifeless anymore. And this time I wasn't craving to go kill some kiddies in the corner; this time all I could see was his ugly clawlike hand above me like some underwater alien - and I wanted to grab it. I didn't just start moving through the water toward it, I swam like I was one of those pale fishes that nibbled at my toes. I glanced back only once and saw all the faces watching me, all my fellow slobs glaring at me with their dead eyes, jealous that I got picked out of the crowd.

Don't get too jealous folks, old scaly here never called on people to congratulate them. I wasn't going to be the best inferi he'd ever made, and I sure as hell wouldn't be given the key to the cave. When I took his hand in mine, I felt such relief that I wanted to kiss it. But no, my lips had gone away a long time ago.

When he fished me out of the pool, the water pouring from my body in miniature streams - mostly from cavities which should have been water-proof, he put me on my feet. And to my surprise I could stand up just fine.

Voldemort was smiling. And that sure as hell hadn't been what I was expecting. When that man smiles you know you're in for trouble. And oh how right I was, even though things started out well enough.

"Oh. My. God. Is that him?" Bella walked up from behind Voldemort with a look of sheer disgust on her face. It was perhaps the ugliest expression she'd ever worn, and I so wanted to laugh. That face was the only bit of true comedic genius I'd encountered since I was first pulled down into the soup with the rest of the fishies.

Instead I decided to wave, raising my hand and shaking the remnants of my hand side to side, draining out the lake water as it upended. Bella went instantly white and backed away from me slowly as though I were carrying leprosy. For all I knew, it was entirely possible.

The Dark Lord's expression hadn't changed as he looked my beautiful bod up and down. That was until he got to the mouth, then he gave a scowl. "Oh, that won't do. Hmm." He turned to Bellatrix, flicking his wand and a parchment and quill appeared at her feet. "You'll need to help him write his answers."

Bella looked down at the paper as though it were a rat. "What? But can't you just Legimens him, my Lord?"

Voldemort sighed, rubbing at his forehead. He never used to do that when I had been working for him. Apparently being a Dark Lord in an ugly body was a tougher job than it looked. "One must have a mind in order for that to work, Bella. And I do believe Regulus' mind turned to mush years ago."

I nodded enthusiastically, enjoying the feel of my head bobbing up and down on my shoulders. It felt more like I was controlling a really bad puppet rather than my own dead corpse. Some things I could feel better than others, like the cold breeze that hit the top of my head where my hair no longer was, unlike the other side where my remaining hair was still full of lake water and made a steady puddle at my feet.

Bella approached me with such a level of disgust and terror that I had to resist the urge to spook her. I was, after all, standing directly next to the Dark Lord. Bella was trying to figure out how to prop the quill in my emaciated hand while Voldemort started asking questions.

"The reason I have awoken you, Regulus, is because there are certain facts about you that you failed to include in your original Death Eater registration. Such as your desire to become a traitor and steal a fragment of my very soul. Is this correct?"

I nodded, feeling my half head of hair swish with the momentum.

He narrowed his red eyes. Funny, I didn't remember him having red eyes before. You would think a weird quirk like that would stick with you after being dead for so long. "Excellent. And were there any... features about yourself that you failed to mention to me when you were first recruited?"

Now that was a bit tougher. I thought back to when I took my Dark Mark and allowed everybody to call me a Death Eater - that was such a long time ago! But I'm pretty sure I recalled holding some information back. No clue what it was though... I gave a short nod.

"And what was it? Bella, let him write."

It took a moment for my fingers to properly grip the quill, but I made my list. Good thing it was short, I wasn't sure how long I could keep that quill steady. Of course Bella was shaking the whole time she tried to hold the parchment steady. I figured she just didn't want to turn her back to me so I could use her as a desk.

Voldemort was pacing back and forth on the island, his bare feet clutching the ground as though he was itching to be an inferi too. "Read them aloud, Bellatrix."

She cleared her throat, and behind her Fenrir took a seat on the ground looking bored out of his mind. "V stinks." She gave a furtive look at the Dark Lord before continuing, "I hat DE. Is that supposed to be hate? I guess so... And secret."

The Dark Lord kept his back to the two of them as she read the list out, and it was hard to tell if he thought the first one was funny or not. Even if he had been facing them, I was pretty sure it'd still be hard to tell. The guy has never been very emotional, except when he's killing folks of course. The last word though made him glance back at me, and I could see the fury in his eyes. I kind of wondered if he knew my secret already. He might just be trying to weasel it out of me. The guy could be pretty shrewd after all. I was just glad that I had no clue what the secret was! It took a big weight off my back.

He paced back to me, his head down as though he were considering the situation closely. "This... secret, Regulus. I believe I know what it could be. You are my servant at this moment, did you know that? I control you now even though you died all those years ago."

I didn't want to look at the man, I didn't like what he was saying to me. But as usual I didn't have much of a choice in the matter. And once I realized this, I knew that there would be no weaseling or bargaining. He would know one way or the other, and I couldn't even give him a hard time about it. Damn, this guy always knew how to take the fun out of everything.

"Tell me, Regulus. Were you in fact a metamorphmagus?" He was staring me directly in the eyes now, and even if I wanted to I couldn't even shut my eyes away from it. He was there, staring at me, staring through me even. And of course as soon as he mentioned it I remembered it. He was right, of course, and I nodded once, hoping that would be the end of my troubles. But that was only the beginning.

He stared at me a moment longer before he asked a request I dreaded, "Change into your former self. Before you died. This instant."

It took me a moment to gather my focus. And when I first started I wondered if perhaps I might just completely pass out from the exertion. It was like using muscles that were barely there to relocate a quidditch pitch. Slowly though I felt my body coming back, filling in the gaps and popping out into shape. It was all fake of course, but at least it _felt_ real. By the time I finished, my legs gave out on me and I collapsed onto the rocky ground. Now that a faux version of my nerve endings were back, this place was even more uncomfortable. But I had done it, turned myself back into my former self even though I was butt naked, and knew that it would last only as long as I could stay conscious.

Bella's jaw had dropped and even now she couldn't muster forth the attention to close it. Even Fenrir had come over to watch. Apparently I was the highlight of the day for them. Too bad I didn't get this kind of enthusiasm when I had actually been this attractive teenager.

Voldemort smiled at me, that same one he had shown earlier. He was very pleased by my performance, but somehow I didn't get the impression that was a good thing. He waved his hand aside, "Enough." And just as quickly as I'd gained the form it vanished, leaving me spent and gasping for breath.

"You're more talented at this than I knew, Regulus. This is very promising. But first, we'll need to make a few... adjustments. Fenrir, Bella, you may want to stand back. This could get quite messy."


	4. Bits and Pieces

Chapter 4: Bits and Pieces

I suppose for most people what happened next might be described as a horrific experience, but you have to remember that I'd lost the ability to feel much since my time in the soup. Sure I could occasionally feel things, a breeze here, a fish there, but for the most part I was about as dead as a foot with frostbite. So when Voldemort decided to start piecing me back together, I was disturbed, sure, but only by the thought of it. It wasn't like it hurt... not too much at least.

He knelt down and examined my legs first. "These look far too thin to be all that he will need. Bellatrix, bring me that book."

Bella shuffled over, pushing her skirt down to prevent it from getting any of me on her. "Which one, my Lord?"

"The one with the body parts."

She fumbled with them a bit as though she'd never had to deal with a pile of library books in her life. Then she finally settled on one that read _ANATOMY: The Basic Building Blocks of the Human Body_. A muggle book? Was he serious? I had to stare at it a few minutes before Voldemort noticed me. He pursed his lips together like an old woman who thinks you're telling her a lie, and glanced between me and the book as Bella started flipping through it.

"It has better pictures for this sort of work."

I wasn't sure who he was trying to convince: him or me. Pretty soon it became damn obvious to me that he hadn't a clue how humans were supposed to work, which explained quite a bit about his lack of nose and scaly skin. When Fenrir was called in to help out, I knew this little project was going to be botched. You simply don't call in an obviously feral dog to help put together a complex body. At least I like to think I'm complex, though about midway I felt like I'd been brought down to my most basic elements. My limbs were in a nice, neat pile, and Bella was looking furiously back and forth between the anatomy book and a limb trying to figure out what went where. The image would have made me laugh if it hadn't been my body parts she was working on. I felt like a slab of meat in a rookie butcher's shop.

By this point I was trying very hard to forget where I was, and in how many pieces I was currently in. The Dark Lord, with all his so-called power and knowledge, was having to confer with Fenrir to figure out exactly where to put everything back inside me.

Fenrir scratched his grey head in confusion. Not a very good habit to have when you're dealing with a body, just saying. "It looks like all that stuff is supposed to go in the bottom..."

And by 'that stuff' he meant my intestines they'd put aside. Sure there weren't much left, and they had fixed that much at least. But putting it all together again was the tough part. And I was learning quickly that old reptilian was not a man for patience.

"But we don't have enough room down there!"

You guessed it, kiddies. He'd put the lungs in my abdomen and my heart was in my throat. Hey, at least he was working on an undead guy instead of some living person. I was beginning to see why this guy had decided to become a Dark Lord instead of a pediatrician. Eventually they put back the rest of me, and even grew out my hair to look like I had when I died. That's when they realized (again) how screwed up my mouth was. Thankfully, Bella decided to take care of it instead of relying on Mr. Bungles and his pet dog. She was at least relying on what the book said to tell her where things went. She regrew my tongue, lips, throat, and even my teeth. For the first time in... well, ever I suppose, I actually liked my freakishly disturbed cousin. Sure she was a tad bit crazy, but there was a hint of concern behind those wild eyes. I guess when she realized that indeed she was working on her cousin, that she couldn't let me leave looking like some kind of disfigured idiot.

Once she was finished, she leaned over me, looking over her work with an air of pride. "Well come on, Reggie. Say something already!"

I rolled my tongue around in my mouth, still not fully able to feel everything. It took a moment for me to remember to breathe in so that I could actually speak. It was strange to think of breathing only being needed for communication, and not necessarily to live.

"Thanks." My voice sounded even scratchier than Fenrir's.

"Excellent, Bella. He looks nearly normal again." Voldemort quipped, sealing up my insides again like zipping closed a suitcase that was filled beyond capacity. I could feel the magic pulling my skin around so it could close up, and tentatively tried leaning myself up on my elbows - yes, I actually had elbows again! Of course my excitement was considerably quelled once I saw the horrible work Voldemort and Fenrir had done to my torso. It wasn't just a little off. It was so far off that I could have passed for the newest casting in _The Elephant Man_ remake. I had lumps everywhere, parts of my insides that had all been shoved inside and forced to fit in ways it wasn't supposed to. I had an extra large lump, or maybe bulge is the proper word, on my right side below my ribcage. (Thank goodness I have a ribcage! At least that minimized the space they could squeeze parts into.) The bulge was lumpy as well, and I poked it with a finger, a deep frown settling in. Was that where they'd put my intestines? I mean, I understood I was dead and all, but really? It was like the Dark Lord had given up in the last few minutes and decided to do a sloppy job instead of putting time in to fix me up proper. Amazing that this was such an eye-opening experience.

The Dark Lord was smiling at me again. I could almost tell before I looked up to see it. He had his hands clasped in front of him, and the posture made me think of my mother when she wanted something. That expression she got when she'd make a request to check up on Sirius or to make sure I gave those 'filthy Gryffindors' a good hexing to put them in the hospital wing. Somehow I didn't think that she and the Dark Lord were that far apart as far as morals went.

"Stand up, Regulus. That is an order, not a request."

And it certainly felt like an order. I felt a tingling sensation all over. It started from my left forearm and went up and down my spine like a really bad trip. I pulled myself to my feet as quickly as I could, tripping over my shaking legs in the process. When I started falling forward, I was amazed that Fenrir was the one who caught me. I could even smell him now, and he reeked of body odor and dried blood. I swallowed down the smell, once again trying to wrap my mind around the fact that I could actually swallow now, and tried to voice the problem.

"Mah-my legs aren't working right."

"Hmm..." Voldemort walked over like a man perusing the magazine aisle as Fenrir stood me up straighter. "Yes, there is a final step. Something to bring the nerves together again, and sort of jump-start the remnants of the brain." He flicked his wand, and it felt like a jolt of pure electriciy went across the surface of my skin, from head to toe. I let out a scream, I admit it. Whatever he did, it hurt like nothing I'd ever experienced. Even getting killed by inferi wasn't that painful. Even after the pain had gone through me, my body was still tense and shaking as though afraid to relax entirely. My fingers were curled up, my body curled inward, hell even my toes curled inward. And then came that painful starving sensation in my belly, where apparently my lungs were now housed, and I remembered I needed to breathe. Apparently I needed to get used to doing that again now that Voldemort decided to bring me back from death. When I opened my eyes, he was crouched down in front of me like some sort of dark, ugly savior. I wanted to spit in his eye.

"Do you know, Regulus Black. Do you know why I brought you back?"

A shudder went through me like the echo of a train that's already disappeared. "To torture me?" I couldn't help but smirk at him. There really wasn't anything funny about being tortured, but just because he had such a hard time putting me together, I figured the torture must have been just as inept. But he shook his head.

"Torture you? What a waste of time! No, Regulus, I have much more important plans for you. Now... transform for me. This time let's try," he paused, his lip twitching to a smile. "Albus Dumbledore."

Then that burning sensation came again, and I had to comply. I focused on an image in my head: Albus Dumbledore in his office, glaring at me over those tiny spectacles of his. His beard was so damn epic. When I opened my eyes again, I'd finished it. I had the beard, the white hair, the gnarled hands, and... ugh, I was butt naked. I frowned mightily, but Voldemort's smile only broadened.

"Excellent. Bella, give him the robes."

Let me tell you one thing I never thought I'd ever say: in my life or in my death. I never realized how damn unsettling it would be to get dressed in front of a Dark Lord. Even if it wasn't my body. Even if I was being forced to do it. I just... I just never wanted to be in that kind of situation, you know what I mean?

Fenrir meanwhile pulled the boat over, and we hopped aboard: Mr. No-Nose in the front with his wench close behind. Then Fenrir pushed me along and I was stuck in a cramped space between him and my cousin – not exactly comfortable on such a small boat.

As we made our way across the lake, I leaned over the edge. I had to squint cause Dumbledore's eyesight wasn't the best in the world, but I could still make out their faces. Those glazed-over eyes watching me with the hatred of forgotten defeat.

I smiled at them, giving a short wave. "See you later, jerks! I never liked having you as my neighbors anyway!"

From the front of the boat Voldemort glared at me while Fenrir spun me around to face the front. "Keep quiet, corpse."

Well even if I was a tad on the dead side, I wasn't a complete corpse. Not anymore. I could move around, talk, walk, and even stroke my luscious beard. Even if I was going to be a puppet for a vicious Dark Lord, I couldn't complain too much. He might have been the reason I was in the soup, but I never suspected that he'd also be the one to pull me out.

END


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